out with the old

i've made a very important and big decision: it is time for an over-haul. I have been so negative about being here and about life in general (well, except Mae). i have fought with the husband and myself and God so many times here. and today i have to ask myself, why am i fighting? i know that's pretty dr. phil, but i'm tired. i've been fighting rob, because i feel like this has been completely about him and not about our 'journey' together. i've been fighting myself, because i want to hate it here so badly even if it is beautiful and my house is so cute and we're making memories here. and i've been fighting God, because i never know why He does things like move me half way across the country, away from my family, away from my friends, away from home, and not let me in on why. When i was home (in Texas) God and i got along a lot better. i didn't question as much about why things were, i just accepted that they were because God is bigger than me and that was it. Today I thought, 'God why are you fighting me so much...' and then my jaw dropped. since when do i have the authority to be so self-centered? Why is He fighting ME? who is it i think i am? I tell you one thing, i am not I AM. i wake up every morning by His grace, not my own. i am out here, because He knows what's best for me and what's best for us. it is not, and has never been that God is fighting me, oh no, He has not changed and will not change from state to state or country to country it is me who is fighting Him. If anyone has changed it is me, and it was not for the best. why would i waste my time and energy fighting what is out of control? why would i not let God do what He does best? you know, let Him create and direct and guide and show and bless and protect and all of the other things He promises He would do in the good book. from this day forward, with grace and patience, i will try harder to get out of my own way and let God do what He has done for the past 21 years. Whew!